


Work is never over

by UnknownScribes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: (Barba not me), Barisi - Freeform, Deprived of sleep, Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Hungry, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Olivia is mentioned only for now, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prompt Fic, Rafael Barba Whump, Squint to see Barisi, Tags Are Hard, chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23642572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownScribes/pseuds/UnknownScribes
Summary: Barba made a mistake many years ago and he will pay for it now with his blood, sweat, and tears. He will suffer his consequences and torture himself to make it right, to make up for his failure.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. His obligation

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this fic, I just kinda went with the flow and it isn't Beta'd (as usual). Anywho this is intended to be several chapters long, I dunno how many yet though. 
> 
> But if you have prompts or whatnots for other fics feel free to drop em in the comments and I'll give it a try because I need something to keep me busy!

Barba has a job, a relatively simple one on a larger scale, get the results everyone but the defendant wants. It isn't his job to care if it's actually right or wrong, but he does, he does care and sometimes it eats at him. He doesn't want to ruin anyone's life but his job is to prosecute whatever case hits his desk. He takes some cases far more seriously, he usually sees sex crime cases brought to him by SVU. He doesn't mind the work they bring him, he's proud to say he brings them justice. But on the rare occasion it isn't a sex crime, he doesn't feel as heavily weighed by it. Those cases in particular take up a lot of him emotionally, even though he knows he shouldn't let them effect him, he shouldn't get invested. But he doesn't get invested, yet they still chew him up and spit him out. It's his job to get the victims justice, it isn't his job to be effected by it, and even if he's entirely worn down he doesn't let it show. In the courtroom he's a different man, far more decisive and calculated, colder and harsher. A few shrewd remarks here, a few sharply worded retorts and quips there, and before he knows it the case is over and the jurors and making their decision.  
  
And on the lonely nights, he gets to thinking about his shortcomings, on his failures, on every little thing he'd ever done wrong in his life. He tries not to think much of his failures, as he'd heard several times from many people. "Carve your successes in stone and write your failures in sand." He croaked to himself in a moment of musing, his thoughts clouded only by one failure, and on a regular basis. He wishes it was so easy as to just write it in sand so to speak, to let the waves wash it away, but it wasn't that easy. Some nights he couldn't close his eyes without seeing the boy's face so innocent being dragged out of court branded a murderer.  
  
 **Rafael was handed a case when the other prosecutor just decided to up and retire, it pretty much had fallen into his lap and he couldn't turn down such a big case. He was new at the firm and he was over eager to prove himself, and however it came to be he was assigned the case he didn't care. His eyes lit up and he beamed with joy and pride, an almost childlike urge in his screaming for him to bounce around the building rubbing it into everyone's faces. It was high profile and was a great way for him to make a name for himself. A murder case where he was to get a guilty sentence with the maximum amount of punishment. And he spent weeks combing the evidence and the material so that when he got into court he could shred the man on the stage for killing an innocent child so brutally, so that he could get him thrown in jail. And when the day came, he did just that. He recited every bit of his carefully planned lines, tearing down the teenager on the stand, setting him up for a life in prison by a vote of guilty. And boy did he grin when he got just the verdict his firm wanted and then some! He was proud of himself.**  
  
He couldn't help but to be haunted by his past wrongdoings in regards to that case. The evidence had cleared the boy, but by the time it had reached his desk it was so twisted and marred that it proved his guilt, setting him up to be indited on a crime he didn't commit. He'd only learned that years later, that the lead cop had lied about almost everything. The cop had twisted the facts, made the boy look guilty over a personal vendetta with his father, a cruel promise he'd later carried out. The cop had got away with it for so long and Barba was obligated to fix his mistake when he discovered it, even if it meant trudging through hell to do so.  
  
Fight after fight, appeal after appeal he gained no ground in getting the boy turned man released from jail. It was his job to fix this, even if it killed him, and it damn near would if he had any say in the matter. And so he complied all the evidence, all the facts, digging up old witness statements, and finding those alive and willing to take the stand. He neglected himself to take care of newly unfinished business.  
  
"Hey Barba?" He was pulled out of his intense focus, eyes landing on Sonny. "You okay?" He asked, stepping into his office. Barba opted to nod only, already shoved back into the folders in front of him. " The Lieutenant wanted to know if you'd looked at that case yet." He said sheepishly as though Barba's lack of response made him uneasy. Barba slumped in his chair and looked at Sonny for a second, utterly exhausted.  
  
"I haven't." Rafael didn't have much more to say, his brain was already so occupied and tortured by the old case that he couldn't bear another. He closed the folder with a deep sigh and he almost wishes himself dead for a second. "I can't." He adds with a small scoff. He runs his hand along the length of his jaw, he's exhausted and so hungry but he can't bring himself to eat or sleep.  
  
"Oh, um, okay, I'll let her know you are busy." Sonny said, sounding dejected as he turned to leave.  
  
"I'll take a look after tomorrow night." Rafael stood and leaned on his desk, hunched forward as he continued to stare on at the files. "Go on, don't linger, you don't want Mother Hen Liv mad at you." He said, waving off Sonny.  
  
"Alright, bye, I'll see you later?" Sonny asked and Barba recoiled, checking the date on his desk calendar. He cursed himself, this was the third time he'd have to cancel on his plans with Sonny. He tried not to let his personal life interfere with his professional life and vice versa, though lately it was failing. But at least he didn't burden Sonny with the case, it was on his shoulders alone, it was his mistake to fix. He sadly didn't have time for a personal life at this time, much of his energy was spent in his office pouring over folders after folder as he awaited his chance to free the man he'd damned all those years before. To be young and eager is dangerous, heed his warning and failure he thinks, if he could change the past he would.  
  
The case came and went as a blur, he only remembers that he'd won and the teen turned man was free. He didn't get those years back but he was a free man now, so Barba shook his hand, apologizing for the past, and wishing him well before leaving the courtroom. Barba collapsed just outside the courthouse.


	2. His passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba has made up for one mistake of his past, but now he must face and confront every other he might have made only this time personally, not professionally. He resolves to be a better man and a better friend, his friends deserve better after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am terrible with "Chapter 2"s for some reason, I know why I always just decided to skip them. Enjoy it or not, here it is. I tried my best, ended up rewriting it probably 7 or 8 times before finally settling on something. I hope it's passable.

After all these years Rafael didn't know what kept him going, he stared into the depth of despair and further into the darkest depths of humanity and he never saw a gleam of goodness in them. He wonders what made them the monsters they became. Was it opportunity? Was it simply an easy path to take? Was it taught or learned? He muses, perhaps, that somewhere along the line they simply made a single bad choice and it sent their lives careening down a dark way they could never recover from. But there was still good in the world, there was still those who resisted temptation. Though darkness was likely not an easy path to follow, it however was probably an easy one to be consumed by once you fell in. How many had simply dug themselves in too deep to climb out of it? He muses that in another life it could have just as easily have been him twisting evil webs and lies. His father was never the kindest to him, certainly he was setting him up to become one shining example of darkness, of hatred, of evil. Barba hopes he didn't take the path because his mother and Abuelita loved him tenfold of every bit of his father's cruelty. He thinks his life turned out as it had because they taught him right from wrong and that justice is deserved regardless of who it was. He hopes he made it this far in Law because of their support and love, though his hard work and effort played a role too, but he learned those from them as well. His life easily circled back to them and them alone, now he had other reasons to ignore what his father tried imparting on him. 

Olivia, as much a mother hen as she was, was a bright and guiding star. And not only in his life but in countless others. It's an honor to know her, truly. She knew just how deep that darkness ran and she'd faced it all for years without breaking and declaring she'd had enough.

Carisi is such a cheerful spirit, a ray of sunshine. Of course he had his moments, he was no more immune that most men pretended to be, he still felt, he still knew despair and torture. He dealt with scum daily and still walked away a good man, perhaps tempted by bad thoughts, but still a good man as he never followed through.  
Rafael was not so kind to himself, his only merit was his wit. He believed in justice, that's what kept him a good and honest man. He knew justice was something people deserved. He would look evil in the face daily and fight to put it behind bars. Even in that meant working while under observation, he was passionate if nothing else. It took some effort, but he was able to convince a very -overly- concerned Lieutenant to let him work while he waited to be released, it took a compromise he was willing to take. He'd been assigned a detail to watch him, to make sure he ate while he worked the case, while he looked over the files. He would have to deal with a set of eyes watching his every move as he recovered before being let out of the damned place, but it was worth it.

He sat in the bed thinking exactly who might be assigned to him by Mother hen Liv. She was too busy to come herself, that's a given. Rollins didn't have the attitude to deal with watching and listening to him, they could exist peacefully for short times only. Fin was too short, he'd strangle him the first chance he got due to a quip taken wrong. Sonny was the only one left in SVU, perhaps aside from Li, that dealt closely with Barba himself. So he figured that Carisi would be assigned to watch him, not an idea he was exactly opposed to. He enjoyed his company, enjoyed picking his brain, and enjoyed hearing him talk in general. Barba was half asleep when his detail arrived, woke up by the cheery knock on the door that opened shortly after to reveal none other than Sonny. Barba cracked a smile, "afternoon." 

"Good afternoon. The file and your lunch." He grinned as he passed the folder and the sandwich over to the prosecutor in bed, and Barba instinctively reached for the file first, having his hand smacked away by Carisi. "Counselor." He said formally, chest tight with worry. With a small shake of his head Rafael unwrapped the sandwich, "Might be a little plain." Sonny said quickly. 

"The case or the sandwich?" He fired back with a small laugh, his wit ever present, just as razor sharp as usual. Sonny let out a heart laugh, though it was perhaps too much. 

"The sandwich." He said, steadying himself after that burst of laughter, he was kind of embarrassed. Sonny said nothing as Barba took bites of his sandwich between scans of the pages, watching his eyes glide over the sheets of paper as he read his way through them, eyes trained sharply on his work. He was truly passionate, he'd prosecute from that hospital bed if he had to, though hopefully he wouldn't. Barba glanced up, catching Carisi staring right at him, watching as he flushed.

"Bad habit." Barba commented, leaving it at that and Sonny gave a weak nod. "Thank you." He added as he wiped his hands, the sandwich gone. He wasn't as hungry now, he had a bit of a sweet tooth all of a sudden. 

"Was it good?" Sonny asked, seeming almost too eager for any kind of praise. Barba chuckled and nodded.

"It was a little plain." He scoffed, though it wasn't mean. Sonny laughed.

"The case, or the sandwich?" Carisi was barely containing himself, his snickering moments from dissolving into fitful laughter and Barba couldn't help but to crack a smile.

"The sandwich." He said, eyes sparkling with joy, this is what kept him going. The moments he got to bask in the rays of sunshine that humans had the potential to be, those moments far outweighed all the times he stared into the depths of darkness and saw nothing. "Actually, Sonny? If it isn't too much of a problem, could you get me something sweet?" Barba asked, for some reason he felt like Carisi would laugh him off, he felt so insecure all of a sudden.

"I'm not enough for ya?!" Sonny exclaimed in mock insult, a tad over dramatic. Barba laughed at that one, his eyes smiling too. "Of course, I'll find you the sweetest thing, aside from myself." He chuckled, turning to leave. 

"Wait!" Barba said a little more sharply than he'd intended to. He flushed in embarrassment as he cleared his throat, "I mean it, thank you." He said quickly, feeling a bit choked. Sonny nodded and left the room as Barba went back to studying. He was passionate about two things. Justice and trying to be a person worthy of Carisi's friendship. He also resolved to try to avoid canceling plans with him whenever possible. He mused that he should in general stop preventing himself from getting close to others, from becoming attached, but he always worried what lurked just beneath the surface. He wanted to not worry, but his father left one mark on him, and that was to be weary of everyone no matter what face they presented. Barba had to try harder, had to be worthy of his friends. He was a passionate man when it came down to brass tacks, about work, and he resolved now to be the same about making friends and being a good one.


	3. His devotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there's one thing Rafael is, it's devoted, to work, to being a better man. To finally professing his feelings for the cop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's technically Tuesday for me, so posting schedule is good still.
> 
> This may or may not be the last chapter I do for this fic, it really depends.

Barba sat in his office, trying to focus on the case at hand, but his mind was having trouble staying on track. He stood from his chair and paced his office, trying to walk off the issues he couldn't quite pin down. He walked in circles, wringing his hands, pausing from time to time to stare at nothing before going back to circling. He wiped a hand down his face and dropped into his chair, flopping back in an almost dramatic manner, he just wasn't present mentally, it was a rough day at it was just hardly starting. He hopped back up and paced the hall,obviously worrying Carmen as he did, because he could see her hand hovering over the phone.

"Mr. Barba?" She asked, worry edging into her voice, and Barba stopped short, looking at her with innocent eyes. He wasn't in mood to challenge anyone today, so he'd play doe-eyed and just wish his way out of any problems. If only it was that simple. He scoffed shortly, putting his hands on his hips, cocking a brow carefully. "Are you okay?" She asked, unhindered by the dangerous look that was coming on.

"I'm fine." He answered, waving at the air a little, then went back to pacing. "I just can't find it in myself to focus on the case files." He answered, leaning on her desk, meeting her eyes. She nodded and went about typing, though he could see her spare a glance at him here and there. With her eyes tracking him he felt almost bare before her, so he retreated back into his office, glad to be away from her (not so)prying eyes. Rafael still couldn't find an ability to focus and thought perhaps to just call it a day, spend his day doing something that would certainly be more productive. He flipped the file closed with a big exaggerated sigh, popping out of his chair, waltzing right out of his office. He stopped by the Precinct to visit the Special Victims Unit, then left to get some lunch. That's self-care right? He ordered a bowl of soup and some crackers, not perhaps the most hearty meal, but it was better than nothing. He walked the streets, trying to gather his courage now, he couldn't focus on anything fully until he confronted what was preventing said focus. He mustered up every bit of what he could and turned on his heels, walking with a new purpose, heading back towards the precinct. He came to a stop a block away, heart pounding in his chest as he thought. Barba was a lot of things, vulnerable wasn't one of them. He exhaled deeply, lifted his chin, and walked right towards his destination. He put his hands on the door, stopping dead once more, hands trembling ever so slightly, and he cursed himself. He was a lot of things, cowardice was not one of them. He was, however, devoted. Rafael took stock of every interaction, if he read the signs right, this is exactly what Sonny wanted, what they wanted. He exhaled again and pushed in, though he felt bare again, but he passed right by. He acted like he was in the courthouse, he was confident, calm and collected, while working. He was a prosecutor, so he slipped into that mindset, turning to head towards Special Victims. He heard them chatting, his name coming up in conversation, so he stopped to listen, hoping to glean any important information they might have about him or his relationships with them. They continued on with their conversation and Rafael listened as it was twisted, his name no longer part of it, though he waited because it was nice to hear their natural interactions.

"C'mon Sonny, don't act like you wouldn't jump at the chance." Rollins laughed, he could hear her smile. "Hell who wouldn't?!" She exclaimed.

"Liv wouldn't." Sonny counters, "but I can't speak for anyone but myself..." he tacks on.

"Which you didn't." Rollins so aptly points out, leaving Sonny sputtering as he tried to recover from the simple statement. Rafael had waited long enough, he'd spare Sonny the sword. He'd owe him one -or more depending- later.

"Hello." He commented offhandedly as he walked in, waving a dismissive hand at them as he moved to stand in the center of the room. Sonny flushed bright red upon seeing him, which earned him a raised brow from Barba.

"Taking a break from the case?" Liv asked as she walked out to greet him, spreading her arms to hug him. "You feeling better?" She asked, catching him in a bear hug despite his best attempt to slip away from it, he gently returned the affection. He glanced at Sonny, who seemed just a little bit jealous.

"Yes Mother." Rafael answered with a small chuckle, eyes gleaming with pride as he grinned, and Liv pat him on the shoulder.

"Don't scare us like that again." She said seriously, tone deadly.

"I'll try." He said making the motion of crossing his heart, "but you know as well as I do how hard I work sometimes." He added with a small shrug. "BUT I know it's no excuse for not taking care of myself... I wasn't spared the rod." He laughed, moving towards Sonny.

"Hey Barba, I'm glad you're feeling better." Carisi was all smiles, quickly wrapping his arms around Barba to hug him. Panic rose in Rafael's chest, causing his heart to beat uncontrollably, making it a little hard to breathe. He pushed free, straightened and fixed his ties, acting like it hadn't happened at all, damn his father. He had to swallow his fears, though it wasn't an easy lump to force down his throat when he tried.

"I couldn't perchance separate you from your team and your work?" Barba said, voice catching as he did. Sonny smiled and nodded.

"I'll be back." He said to Liv, looking at Rafael. "Okay, free to separate." He chuckled, trying not to spook the jumpy prosecutor. Barba nodded, jerking his head to the side, leading him off to a quiet corner far enough from everyone else.

He took a deep breath, he'd have to force the words out it seemed, because the first time he opened his mouth he stood there not making a single sound. His second attempt failed, as did his third. "Dominick." Rafael managed to get out his first name, choking on the words that were to follow. Why was it so hard to be open? He had to do it, otherwise he'd just drift though life incapable of actually focusing on anything. "I-I... umm, would you like to get a drink after work?" He changed the course of his sentence. He was a lot of things, cowardice was clearly one of them by now. It was easier just holding back, not getting attached. He sighed. "I like you." He spoke suddenly, his voice forced. "Love you actually." He was strained to say it, his face scrunched in defiance, like it took everything in him to say the words. Sonny let a small chuckle escape.

"Rafael..." He said carefully, "does that invitation for drinks still stand?" he added with a small laugh, hoping to break the tension so thick it could be cut with a knife. It clearly didn't work because Barba looked so terribly dejected, it'd taken a lot for him to admit it. "You too." He said softly, cupping his face and pressing a light kiss to his lips, making his head spin. "So, is that a yes on the drinks?" He asked again, grinning.

"Sure, they're on me." Barba replied.

"I hope so." Sonny smiled, face shifting to one of shock and horror. "I meant, ya know, that you better be buying. You have expensive taste." Sonny quickly corrected, mortified by the sound of his statement.

"I know." Barba said with a cruel but loving grin, patting his chest before heading off, waving as he left. He wouldn't be able to focus on his work for the rest of the day, but he could at least pretend to, because now he was too distracted by his night plans. But at least after tonight he could, hopefully, finally focus and get some work done on the case.


	4. His slip up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a few weeks Barba finally slips up and says what's been on his mind for awhile, only he didn't expect for Sonny to hear it. However not all things go exactly as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a prompt for this one "You weren't supposed to hear that."   
> Enjoy all! Not Beta'd, as usual, and like I saw a tag "we die like men" and not Beta reading is a hill I will die on only because I'm really kinda lazy and don't wanna bother. I'll eventually Beta, I promise, but for now, meh.

Barba is composed, he is brilliant, he's a grown man with total control over himself. Or he likes to think he's totally in control of himself, but that isn't always the case. Sometimes his tongue works faster than his brain, sometimes they work at just the same speed, but regardless he's not always in total control of himself. He slips up from time to time, though he doesn't like to admit it, but he's only human. He can only do so much, his internal filter can only work so well for so long.

It'd been a long day and an even longer weak, he was really looking forward to his two days off after this case. He was excited to say the least, he'd finally have some downtime, some time to himself. He was more than ready actually. He powered through taking notes and prepping himself and the witness for the cross, and with that he called it a day. After court was out, he was a free man for two days. He was happy to know he'd finally be able to relax, barring getting called in for some reason. The courtroom was filled, jurors on the stand, witness waiting, cops and family members sitting front row for the proceedings, strangers filling the remaining seats. Barba delivered flawlessly, his speech commanding and smooth, careful as he cut a look to the jury every now and again, a small smile playing on his lips as he seal the perp's fate, as he earned another victory. The jury was out for only a couple hours at most, the defendant was found guilty on all counts and he was going away for a long time.

"Nice job Counselor." Sonny said with a big grin, clearly proud. He'd be a great father, very encouraging Rafael thought. He nodded, lazily and tiredly, bumping the back of his hand against Sonny's chest. "You did a great job." Now he was just trying to flatter him. He only nodded, walking out the door followed by Sonny, who continued to talk. Sonny chatted with him all the way down the stairs, he was almost too proud of Barba, if he was to say so himself. But regardless he listened, lapping up every compliment like it was a rare drop of water in the desert. He almost enjoyed being spoiled by Sonny's words, it was nice to know someone had so much kindness and faith in their body.

"Thank you Sonny." Rafael had repeated the phrase so many times it was getting tired by now, he was getting tired of saying. He almost felt the urge to kiss the man for all the kind words, it was like he'd aced a first date or something. But at this point he almost just wanted Sonny to shut up about it, not that he didn't appreciate it. "I'll see you in a couple of days." Rafael finally said as he finally decided to hail a cab, he could only handle so many compliments before he felt obligated to more than a simple thank you.

"Oh, okay, see ya!" He beamed back, though behind his joy seemed to lurk a little sadness. Barba felt bad suddenly, after all the sweet flattering words he'd so ruthlessly put an end to it. It wasn't really that ruthless, but it felt like it by the way Sonny reacted. He might as well have killed his mother or dog the way he'd damped. "Enjoy your time off." He said, sounding how Barba imagined a deflated balloon would. He felt cornered. After everything that happened after all, he owed Sonny something more than a dismissive good bye.

"How about you swing by my place, we'll have some Scotch." Barba offered, though it felt so empty for what had transpired over the course of time. Sonny lit up like a Christmas tree and Barba didn't feel so bad all of a sudden, his offer didn't feel so hollow anymore. "Maybe we could get a bite to eat or something." He added, almost feeling nervous. God, it wasn't like it was a date or anything, but he surely owed Sonny one at any rate. Sonny still smiled ear to ear, but he fidgeted just a little nervously, a near in-perceivable hesitance in his sideways glance.

"Sounds good." Sonny said and Rafael noticed a hint of red in his cheeks. "I've gotta finish up some paperwork, then I'll swing by, we'll order some take out." He added softly, the red creeping up his ears, making Barba grin just a little. "Well, I'm gonna go take care of that, see ya soon." He said with a small goofy laugh, making Rafael's heart soar, especially as he turned to race off to finish said paperwork.

"See you in a little, te amo." Rafael said as he turned, watching as he turned quickly on his heels. Rafael went white as a ghost at the realization.

"What?" Sonny asked, shocked, smiling ever so slightly as Barba became white as a sheet, followed by the blush that replaced it.

"You weren't supposed to hear that." Rafael blurted out, noticing that he'd actually never hailed a cab and that he had no escape but his own locomotion. Sonny lunged into a hug, holding him tightly for only a moment before he zoomed off so he could hurry to that offered Scotch and a bite to eat. Rafael's glad that he didn't forego the paperwork altogether. Though he felt very much like an idiot he was glad that in that moment his mouth outraced his brain, sometimes saying something like that so thoughtlessly was a good thing. It spared him from having to say it later when he was probably all drunk and sloppy, when it would seem he only said it because he was under the influence. At least now it wouldn't hang between them as a mystery if he blurted it out after a glass too many of alcohol. He didn't intend to drink that much, but good Scotch had a habit of running away with him. And as much as he loved the amber liquid and for how well he could hold his liquor, he had a habit of losing every bit of tolerance when it came to his emotions. He couldn't help but shudder at the memory of him spilling his guts to a former love about how he loved her and wanted to make her happy, after he'd only had two glasses, but he was younger then. He only hoped he wouldn't do something like that again because he'd been harboring these feelings for sometime now.

"I'll see you later." Rafael said to himself as he hailed that cab, intending to go home and to get out his best Scotch and his best menus.


	5. His love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael regrets his choice to invite Sonny over and it gets a bit out of hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is likely to be the last, I'm not exactly sure. We'll see.   
> I've actually kind of lost inspiration on top of having another bout of writer's block, so forgive me that this is so terrible. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> -Disclaimer: Even once this is finished I'll attempt to post every Tuesday/Wednesday, though any posts made not on those days (and not dated to those days) are extras.

Rafael starts to think inviting Sonny over was a mistake, he thinks it was the wrong choice, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering like they were caught in gale force winds. It had seemed like a great idea at the time, it made the temporary hurt of somehow breaking Sonny's heart go away, but now he was getting flighty. He'd only confessed his love accidentally and the last time he loved someone it didn't end all that well. It was only drinks and dinner, nothing more, but that didn't stop his stomach from twisting. He could just leave his apartment and act like he got caught up elsewhere, he could just move his car and act like he wasn't home at all, like he hadn't made it back. He heard his buzzer and knew it was too late now, so he let in the detective. He almost immediately regretted the choice and he felt like throwing up, not that he would. He waited for Sonny to make it to his apartment door, maybe he could push right past him and flee with a feral cat. Yeah that sounded like a good plan.

"Hello, Counselor." Sonny chirped out, knocking on the door. Barba ran his grand plan through his head again. Duck under and start running, but Sonny's got long legs and is used to giving chase, but Rafael knows the lay of the land. "Barba?" Sonny asked, voice softer, and once more he went over his plan. "Rafael?!" He called out, an urgency rising in his voice. Barba pulled open his door, utterly defeated before even following through, he stopped dead in his thoughts. 

"Dominic." Rafael said, haughtily, as he greeted him and invited him in. Damn the man for looking so great, so warm, so friendly. "Welcome to my home, thank you for coming." It sounded so rehearsed how he said it. He sighed and looked at Sonny. "Thanks for coming." He tried again, less stiff this time. 

"Wow..." Sonny mouthed, taking it all in. Rafael watched him, rather pleased and proud of himself now. It was maybe a good idea to invite him. Maybe, just maybe, it would intimidate him away. Not that he really wanted that to happen. He felt so damn conflicted now. "Wow!" Sonny almost exclaimed, like his voice finally caught up with him, grinning as he looked around. 

"Like it?" Barba asked, his voice sounded a little taunting. Sonny nodded and looked at him with a huge smile. "Come on, scotch and dinner." He said, rubbing his hands together idly. 

After they drank a little and ate their food they just chatted into the night. Anything and everything was on the table as conversation, especially as Rafael continued to knock back tumblers of Scotch as though he had something he wanted to forget. Was it that bad for him was all Sonny could wonder. 

"I love you..." Rafael said, frustrated, after about his fourth glass, his mind thoroughly clouded by alcohol, Carisi couldn't help but chuckle. "What's so funny?" He asked, arms crossed across his chest as he gave a weak angry glare to Sonny.

"I know." Sonny replied with a small snort, "I was kinda waiting for you to notice it," he laughed, smiling. Rafael flushed deeply. With all that out of the way Rafael went back to chatting like he'd never said a thing about his feelings and Sonny let him. It was about 3 AM when Sonny noticed the time.

"Sonny..." Barba said with a sharp hiccup caused by a hard inhale, seeming to lose his sentence.

"Oh shit, I gotta go." Sonny said sharply as he noticed it was getting extra late and he grabbed his coat. Barba grabbed his forearm.

"Stay." He said, voice wavering. Sonny gave him a warm smile. "I mean it." He said, his words still rather clear.

"Raf, you're drunk." Sonny said as explanation, putting a hand on the older man's shoulder. giving him another small smile. It reminded Barba why he cared about him, why he loved him even.

"I know, but just stay." He said again, motioning to the couch beneath them, indicating that it was Sonny's place. "Unless you want the bed." He pointed towards his bedroom. 

"House rules." Sonny replied with a shrug, "pick one." he said. 

Little did they know come morning, come hangover, and come sobriety that they'd make a date.


	6. His choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba reflects on his life and then has a date with none other than his crush. He doesn't want to admit how he feels, not just yet at least.

Rafael didn't always make the best choices looking back, he did his best to though. A mistake here, a wrong move there, nothing too nominal looking back. Sure he might've pissed off the wrong guy here or there, or assumed the worst -or best- of a situation or a person, but all in all, he was usually on the upside. Sure he didn't always come out smelling like daisies, but he was still breathing. He isn't sure exactly what string of choices led him to this exact moment, sure not eating and passing out was one of the visible first steps, but what led to the grander scheme of things was a mystery. Was it something he did as a child? A teenager? An adult? All three? 

It didn't matter at this point, not anymore, because it was all behind him and he could only control what was going forward. He's still breathing he reminds himself. He's made it this far somehow, he's still doing just fine. Well except for the fact that he has become a ball of nerves and he's practically walking on eggshells everywhere he goes. He doesn't need to be, but he is, and it's all because of his poor judgment somewhere along the line. The Scotch was certainly a kick-starter to this current situation. He was fine with only seeing Sonny a few minutes a day before he fainted, so that was the starting point. But the man as such a mother hen sometimes and to be honest, that was kind of his type. He enjoyed when people took care of him and it wasn't hard for Carisi to slip his way into his heart because he'd be lying if he said he hadn't already liked him a little. But he always chalked it up as a small crush that would fade given a few months, a man could daydream when he was as busy as he was. And when his current romantic life looked like a flat line, it was nice to see a little spike, a little dip, a little spike after so long.

He tapped his foot on the floor, after work he'd made plans with the man that wormed his way into his heart. Damn that winning smile and those sweet and kind blue eyes. Rafael had to snap himself back to reality if he wanted to get any work done, he could only see the relief on Sonny's face when he finally ate a little something. The darned mother hen in him, but that didn't stop Barba from smiling. "Carmen." He spoke softly as he poked out of his office, walking to stand in front of her. "Can I ask you a question?" Barba asked, internally smacking his head, he'd asked if he could ask her a question, at any rate he should've asked his actual question. "Well, a second one now..." He said sheepishly. Carmen laughed a little, smiling at him.

"Yes Mr. Barba, you can ask me a second question." She chuckled a moment longer, fixing a few papers as she met his eyes, though he skipped them away. "I mean, if you still want to." She added softly, patting his hand with a smile, like she understood how he was feeling exactly. 

"I, uh, was wondering if you knew of any nice dine-in places that weren't super expensive?" He felt like a crushing school boy, shameful really, he thought he was long past those days. Carmen laughed again, head going back as she leaned a little, hands on her stomach. What's so funny? He scratched his head a little, idly, and watched as she laughed, he'd never felt so embarrassed before. He was asking a genuine question. He felt utterly stupid now, not that she'd meant for him too. "N-never mind." He said, cheeks burning as he looked away.

"I'm not laughing at your question, or even you... It's just you're so flustered and I haven't seen you like this since your last relationship a few years ago. Just be yourself Rafael, I'm sure he'll love you no matter what." Carmen said carefully, patting his hand, though it did little to ease him. How did she know it was a him? "Good luck, I know you'll figure something out. Besides, treat him right." She said, giving him a light endearing push, smiling from ear to ear. Barba nodded. He didn't want to take Sonny somewhere he couldn't afford if he insisted on paying for his meal himself.

"Uh, thanks?" Was all Barba could think to reply with, she hadn't been helpful. Not how he'd expected her to be, but she did make a good point. He didn't want to leave him floundering though if he decided he could pay his own way. Dates mean you pay for the one you invite though and he intended to follow that through. 

\--

After work Rafael and Sonny met outside the restaurant of Barba's choosing, certainly far more fancy than anything Carisi would pick, it was well beyond his means. But he would treat Sonny like the king he deserved to be seen as and he owed him a lot. Truly he owed Sonny more than he did most people he knew and not because he asked a lot of him. No, he owed the man a great deal for him just being himself, for putting up with everything thus far. And for telling him he loved him after four glasses of Scotch and his comment about knowing but waiting for him to figure out, that alone was worth Barba's whole building and an expensive dinner too. Not that Sonny would agree to that price tag, he figured Sonny would say a six pack or two and they'd be square, but that's not how Rafael worked, he didn't roll that way. Go big or go home, if you aren't playing for victory you shouldn't be playing at all. And he was out for victory, he had his eyes on the prize, literally and figuratively. 

Their dinner was an enjoyable one, Sonny didn't object -too much- to being paid for, he did offer resistance and eventually a payment plan to repay the meal, though Barba respectfully declined. 'No, this is my treat.' became a tired statement after being said a few times. Sonny had huffed and puffed but gave in, accepting that the Counselor wouldn't take a penny in repayment. Sonny couldn't help to be thankful in the case that if things turned sour that Barba couldn't come after him in court for the cost later, hopefully it wouldn't get to that point ever. Rafael and Sonny parted ways, a barely there chaste kiss on the cheek from Barba, who claimed he was just giving the cheek kiss greeting and departing a try, but both he and Sonny knew it was a lie. Barba wasn't exactly ready to admit it a second time, he didn't even want to say it the first time. Stupid Scotch. 

Once he was home Rafael dropped into bed and sighed deeply, both joyous and upset that all his life choices had led to this moment, it was heaven and hell. He loved that man and there was nothing he could do to change that truth.

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided that I'm going to try to post every Tuesday and every post outside of that day is simply extra. (This is technically for tomorrow, but I might post something tomorrow as well.)


End file.
